LET YOUR 'YES' BE 'YES'

by James Christian

    Focus on the Family has a section of their website that targets young adults (18 to 30-ish) called Boundless.  It usually has some very good articles, some of which are linked on our site, but a recent article alarmed me, and I felt that the topic should be addressed.

    Kara Schwab recently wrote an article entitled "Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace", encouraging engaged couples to realize that they are not obligated to get married until they have said "I do."  While she is certainly well-intentioned in trying to help engaged couples keep from making a big mistake by entering into a potentially disastrous marriage, there is another side to the issue, and there are several factors that merit our consideration.

    Solomon wrote:  "Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue lasts only a moment" (Proverbs 12:19, NIV).  And Jesus said:  "Again you have heard that it was said to them of old time, 'You shall not make false vows, but shall perform to the Lord your vows,' but I tell you, don't swear at all... But let your 'Yes' be 'Yes' and your 'No' be 'No.' Whatever is more than these is of the evil one" (Matthew 5:33-34, 37, WEB).  If swearing in order to make your "Yes" even more emphatic is from the evil one, from where does the recanting of your "Yes" come?  Do Jesus' words only apply to everything except agreeing to marry someone?  I think not.  If you have said you would marry someone, you should be prepared to fulfill that commitment.

    Ms. Schwab does raise some important issues, however, and we should consider them carefully.  All too often, Christian couples are infatuated with each other and get engaged, and it is not until the wedding preparations commence that they begin to notice red flags with regard to their soon-to-be spouse.  Schwab is correct in noting that it is a terrible feeling to worry if you are doing the wrong thing by marrying someone, and it is also true that most parents would rather be out some money than see their son or daughter enter a marriage of misery.  It is also true that God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16), and it is not good to enter a marriage that will likely end in divorce.

    Does that mean that we should break our word in order to prevent unhappiness?  No, never does God say that happiness supersedes righteousness.  The issues that Schwab raises are important, because it makes us realize that we should not carelessly agree to marry someone.  We should seek God first before getting engaged and make absolutely certain that we have peace from Him about getting married.  Once we know that we are abiding in God's will, we can uninhibitedly proceed with the wedding plans and know that we are under His protection.

    You may say, "This is all well and good, and if I had it to do over again, I would think twice before getting engaged, but it's too late for that now.  I'm no longer in love with this person.  What am I to do?"  The Chinese evangelist Watchman Nee addressed this issue with some practical advice:

    "[Y]ou need to remember that in becoming engaged, you have given the other party a contract, a promise to him or her before God. A Christian should not annul such a contract carelessly, for a contract is sacred in the sight of God. You, as well as the opposite party, may suggest an annulment... This is only an engagement, so you may initiate the suggestion. However, if the opposite party insists on your fulfilling your contract, you will have to fulfill it. When the word of a Christian is already given, it must be enacted; it must not be destroyed. Because God keeps His word, we have salvation; otherwise, there would be no salvation. Thus we can only negotiate, but we cannot unilaterally destroy the contract. If the opposite party does not give consent, the contract must be carried out." (Do All to the Glory of God, pg. 18, Christian Fellowship Publishers)

    Before suggesting an annulment, you should pray: "Father, forgive me for making an impetuous vow.  I should have sought You before making such an important decision.  I do not wish to displease You by going against my word, so I accept the responsibility for my careless oath.  I ask that You grant me favor in asking my fiancé/fiancée for an annulment."  And then you may proceed in the pursuit of an annulment.

    What if the other person refuses to give you an annulment?  Do not lose heart, for God is greater than our rash promises!  Since the very beginning, when He brought order to a world that was formless and void (Genesis 1:2), He has been in the business of rectifying wrong situations.  If God could reorder the entire world, He can do the same with your relationship!

    In the event that your betrothed will not consent to an annulment, you should pray:  "Lord, this does not seem like a good situation, and I do not know how it will improve.  But I will not break my word.  I turn this matter over to You.  If it is Your will for an annulment to occur, then please soften my fiancé/fiancée's heart to consent.  If it is not Your will to end the engagement, then please grant me the grace and ability to love my future spouse and live a married life that will please and honor You.  Please work in our marriage, bring us both into spiritual maturity, and help us to have a lifelong marriage that will glorify You."

    We may find it helpful to note Isaac's marriage to Rebekah.  The Bible says:  “...he took Rebekah, and she became his wife, and he loved her..." (Genesis 24:67, NASB).  Note the order.  Isaac married Rebekah, and then he loved her.  We are to do the same in our marriages.  If we have committed to entering a marriage that seems hopeless, we must turn the matter over to the Lord.  Once we're married, we must love our spouse and pray for him, and in doing so we are fulfilling God's requirements.  The apostles' familiar marital instructions in Ephesians 5:22-33, Colossians 3:18-19, and 1 Peter 3:1-7 (which I encourage everyone to read) were given to those who were in both happy and unhappy marriages.  Our Christian duty does not change because we are in an unhappy situation.  We must not go back on our word, and once we're married, we must love our spouse so that we may please God.  We should pray for God to mend any problems, and God will bless our obedience.

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NOTE 1:  In this article, I have only addressed engagements that seem to be unwise or that were entered by making rash vows.  If a fiancé or fiancée is viewing pornography, cheating on you, or abusing you, these are serious matters that would be grounds for divorce in marriage, and they are also most certainly grounds for annulling an engagement.  If you find yourself in one of these more serious situations, you should seek counsel from elders, a pastor, or a godly advisor and take the matter before the Lord to see what you should do.  However, if you are not in one of these severe situations, you should let your “Yes" be “Yes" and not let your “Yes" be “No".

NOTE 2:  I was not the only one who was alarmed by Kara Schwab's article.  The response was so great that Boundless published another article containing excerpts of reader's comments, including mine, under the title "Speak Sooner Rather than Later".

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